Q&A: Please rate my SAT essay?!?
Hi,my name is Anne,I did the following:
Q&A: Please rate my SAT essay?!?
Here’s the prompt:
“Tough challenges reveals our strengths and weaknesses”
Here’s the essay:
I am in full agreement with fact that “Tough challenges reveal our strengths and weaknesses” and help us to become better people.This is corroborated with numerous examples in contemporary society where normal people are rendered extraordinary by the extreme hardships that they faced in early life.
Consider the story of Harriet Tubman, an African American slave. As a child, she was frequently thrown out of her master’s house for reasons pertaining to “unsatisfactory work” and suffered numerous near death experiences. Consequently, she ran away from home and boarded a steamer to England where she was quietly integrated into abolitionist circles. Later on, she was rewarded by many financial institutions for her exemplary work in the abolishment of slavery. She died peacefully : a rich and influential lady, glad she had done even a little bit of good in the world.
Another example is shown through the form of a very old family friend. Thomas hailed from an extremely poor family and his one aim in life was to own a small cottage that he could call his own.Facing numerous hardships in life, he was frequently deprived of food due to his large family, and as a result acquired a permanent disability known as Mane’s Syndrome. Nevertheless, he was regarded by everyone as “as true fighter” probably because of his rough upbringing. Anyhow, Thomas decided to start a small business that specialized in computer hardware, he was surprised
by its rapid expansion and thus seeked more business opportunities. Gradually, he built up his influence in the industry when all of a sudden…his small firm was bought by Oracle. He now sits in the Oracle board of directors and drives a Rolls Royce to work.
In conclusion, the examples shown, namely the life stories of Harriet Tubman and Thomas display a remarkable ability to succeed in spite of their dire origins and problems in childhood. This shows how hardships only serve to increase our strength and enable to face challenges better in life.
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Any criticism welcome…
ANSWER:
Answer by La
It’s been a while since I took the SAT, but I can give you some general feedback to strengthen this essay. If you have learned something specific about passing the SAT that goes against what I say, stick with the SAT stuff.
Overall, your essay is very good. You are a good writer and your grammar and all that is really solid. You use a lot of big words, which I think will get you lots of SAT points. Now to nitpick and criticize so you can have a better essay:
1. It’s probably good that you kept your intro short, as you will have a time limit. However, it is always good to give your reader a taste of what you are going to be writing about. All you need to do is tack on something like “this is exemplified through the lives/situations of the famous abolitionist Harriet Tubman and a family friend and entrepreneur named Thomas.” or whatever you want. I would also get rid of the phrase “numerous examples in contemporary society” (Harriet Tubman isn’t really ‘contemporary’ anyway, and you said that Thomas was really old….and don’t say numerous if you are only talking about two people. Small details, but it will still sound a lot better to say “this is corroborated/exemplified through people such as….” or whatever). Also I would try to avoid using first person “I” whenever possible. Whenever you are writing an essay, everything you say is fact. Thus, it would be better to say “It is true that [quote].” Be conceited and confident when you write!
recap so far: everything you say is fact/cut out “I” and mention the examples/topics you will discuss in your body paragraph
2) Your body paragraphs are great, and you did a great job summarizing their struggles that they overcome, so now try and go back and add a couple sentences of opinion/conclusion to each. This part might be a bit bullshit, so make sure it sounds good. I’m at a loss of what you can say, but maybe think about where they would be without tough challenges?
(it is always good to have a counter argument if you have enough time, so a good 3rd body paragraph if you have time would be to show another side, maybe someone who had no challenges and did not progress in life, or maybe someone who was more fortunate but had smaller challenges, something more day to day and mundane, but they overcame them. <--this will show in your essay that everybody encounters obstacles, it doesn't just apply to extraordinary circumstances). And again, try and interpret each fact that you give, and think about what it says about the argument, even give an emotional response. A good thing to think about when you are writing is "[fact]. This shows that...." for every new fact you put in. Then remove the "this shows that". It might seem obvious, so sometimes you just have to bullshit a little 
3) Never say "In conclusion." also don't say "i am going to talk about...." "i think that...." "next is this example." And try to avoid "I" "me" and "you". Don't tell people what you are going to do, just do it. It's just sort of a rule I guess. You can cut out the beginning of that sentence and just say "the life stories of Harriet Tubman and Thomas display a remarkable ability to succeed in spite of their dire origins and problems in childhood. This shows how hardships only serve to increase our strength and enable to face challenges better in life." If you can think of one more thought to place at the very end, maybe what one can do with this knowledge, like maybe that therefore one should embrace challenges with the knowledge that it will make them a better person...or something like that. If you have time (conclusion is least important), add the "so what?" aspect, get a little preachy, what do we do with this knowledge?
Remember that if you are having trouble adding more opinion, mentally (not on paper!) add "this shows that_____" to every sentence. Unless you are purely writing facts.
Overall, your essay is really good! Your writing style is easy to read and your mechanics are good too. I would say to write your essay, and then if you have time leftover, go back to it and see where you can add more opinion/interpretation to each fact.
I hope I helped, don't mean to be stuffy. I think you'll do great on the SAT, but keep practicing. Best of luck, SATs SUCK!
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